


Gone to the Dogs

by Kereea



Series: Text to Speech and Beyond [3]
Category: If The Emperor Had A Text To Speech Device, Warhammer 40.000
Genre: Comedy, Depression, Drama, Gen, References to Horus Heresy, References to Planetary Annihilation, Swearing, The Emperor's A+ Parenting, existensial crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-05
Updated: 2019-06-05
Packaged: 2020-04-08 06:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19101754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kereea/pseuds/Kereea
Summary: When Leman Russ returns from the Warp with a big chunk of his father’s soul possessing Fyodor in tow, everything gets thrown into disarray all over again. Now Magnus is depressed due to an existential crisis, Kitten is worried about that, Corvus hates everything, and Leman wants some damn answers that no one is giving him.





	Gone to the Dogs

 “And that’s about it,” Kitten said, finishing summing up his and Magnus’ discoveries for the Emperor.

 “ **HUH, THAT IS REALLY FUCKING TRIPPY** ,” the Emperor said.

 “The Captain General and I will see if there’s anything at all in the library about The Warder,” Magnus said. “At the very least, Ma- _Papa Smurf_ and his unofficial second, Ventris, are aware of what is going on and understand your wish to weaponize it until it can be fixed.”

 “ **WELL, THAT IS MORE CREDIT THAN I WOULD ORDINAIRLY EVER GIVE THEM** ,” the Emperor said. “ **STILL, IF YOU’VE GOT IT, EXPLOIT IT. CORVUS IS ALREADY ROUTING ULTRAMARINE COMPANIES TO WHERE HE THINKS THE MOST VUNERABLE AREAS WILL BE UNTIL WE GET THIS SHIT FIXED**.”

 “That’s good. And, hey, we took out Lucius the Eternal too!” Kitten said. “So, my lord, what happened while we were out?”

 “ **CORVUS IS STILL A DEPRESSING LITTLE SHIT, BUT HE IS DOING A DECENT JOB OF COORDINATING THE TROOPS FOR ME AND INSTRUCTING THE CITIZENS OF TERRA ON WHAT TO DO IN CASE WE ARE DIRECTLY INVADED WITHOUT CAUSING A PANIC. THE EMO TONE OF HIS VOICE MUST MAKE HIM TOO FUNNY-SOUNDING TO DRIVE PEOPLE TO PANIC OR SOMETHING. I DON’T KNOW, BUT IT WORKS. AND THUS MY DECISION TO HAVE IT DONE WAS RIGHT**.”

 “Of course,” Magnus said, rolling his eye.

 “ **VULKAN HAS BEEN RAISING MORALE ALL OVER THE IMPERIUM WITH HIS LOVE FREAK SCHTICK. I’D CALL IT WUSSY, BUT HE KEEPS RANDOMLY YELLING IN AN ORK ACCENT SO THAT DOESN’T REALLY FIT. AND ROGAL IS BEING ROGAL AND DOING THE BORING BUT NEEDED SHIT OF FORTIFYING EVERYTHING HE GETS HIS FUCKING HANDS ON**.”

 “Then everything is proceeding well!” Kitten said. “Good. We’ve already made sure the Black Crusade starts on the wrong foot, so now we just have to break its back! Err…no offense Magnus, of course.”

 “So, do you have plans for that or are you just going to throw us and the ‘Smurfs’ at it?” Magnus asked, ignoring Kitten’s accidental reminder.

 “ **GIVEN YOUR SONS HAVE ALL FINALLY FINISHED PAINTING THEIR FUCKING ARMOR AND APPARENTLY GET SICK BY SMURF-PROXIMITY, NO. YOU CAN TALK TO CORVUS ABOUT DEPLOYMENT OPTIONS, BUT YOU ARE THE HEAD OF YOUR LEIGON-CHAPTER-WHATEVER. FIGURE IT OUT LIKE A GROWN PRIMARCH**.”

 “Yeah, okay,” Magnus said. “Is Corvus in his old room, the communications hall, or somewhere else?”

 “ **HE WILL BE RUNNING IN HERE IN APPROXIMATELY TWO MINUTES** ,” the Emperor said.

 “Is something going to happen, my lord?” Kitten asked.

 “ **I HAVE ONLY FORESEEN FRAGMENTS. I GET THE GIST THAT THIS IS GOING TO BE FUNNY**.”

 “…We’re fucked,” Kitten told Magnus.

 “Yeah, probably,” Magnus said. “Well, if Corvus is coming here, then he’s bringing the news to Father. If we want to know what’s going on, might as well stay here for it. A room with two Primarchs in it probably impregnable if it’s an attack, and if it’s not, well, might as well be here for it as not anyway.”

 “Father!” Corvus said, rushing in. “I must tell you—Magnus is _back_?”

 “Hello, brother,” Magnus said dryly as Corvus stared at him in horror.

 “I’ll admit, not the reaction I was expecting,” Kitten said.

 “ **WELL, CORVUS, WHAT IS IT**?” the Emperor asked.

 “We may have a situation,” Corvus said, trying to regain his composure. “You see-”

  From outside the room, a deep voice bellowed, “Where is the CYCLOPS?”

 “The Furry Fuck,” Magnus snarled, wings arching in annoyance.

 “ **OH, FUCK NO, MAGNUS, STAND DOWN,”** the Emperor said.

 “I’m not doing anything… _yet_ ,” Magnus growled as the trio of near-naked Custodes were thrown into the room, distracting him. “…Huh. Custodisi has full leg armor now.”

 “He’s wearing it with heeled sandals, but it’s a start!” Kitten said excitedly.

 “We tried to stop him, my glorious overlord,” Karstodes said, picking himself up. “We _know_ we shouldn’t let him and the red one be in the same vicinity…”

 “You naked men need to spend more time with WOLVES!” Leman Russ bellowed as he stormed through the doorway.

 “It’s Corgis now, bitch,” Magnus muttered under his breath.

 “So, what I heard was true!” Leman said, pointing at Magnus. “You have broken into our father’s sanctum, vile wizard!”

 “ **HELLO LEMAN, NICE TO SEE YOU TOO. IT IS ONLY I, YOUR GLORIUS FATHER, ACTUALY ABLE TO COMMUNICATE AGAIN** ,” the Emperor said.

 “I didn’t sneak in, idiot. I was kidnapped. _Annoyingly_ ,” Magnus huffed, folding his arms and turning up his nose.

 Kitten groaned and resisted the urge to raise his visor in order to rub his temples.

 “Yes, you were certainly crated and shipped to your rightful owner,” Whammudes said.

 “Make one more dog joke about me while the Furry Fuck is around to mock instead and I will _magically bind you into full armor_ ,” Magnus said, shaking his fist. Whammudes whimpered.

 “ **SERIOUSLY. EMEPEROR, RIGHT FUCKING HERE. I DO NOT LIKE BEING IGNORED** ,” the Emperor said.

 “Leman, you’re missing some information. It’s annoying, but I’ve been there,” Corvus said.

 “I was informed that the wizard was in the palace and I see THAT WAS CORRECT!” Leman shouted, pointing dramatically at Magnus.

 Magnus growled, wisps of the warp igniting in his eye.

 Kitten leaned close to him and hissed, “Please do not make me tug the soul leash in front of your hated brother I _do_ _not_ _want_ to do that please do not make me do that we can settle this like…like _relatively_ normal people.”

 Magnus folded his arms and huffed, eye still quite literally burning with fury. “If he starts shit, I get to _end_ it.”

 “We won’t let him,” Kitten said, looking pointedly at Corvus to get the third primarch in the room to _please do something already_.

 “Magnus has left Chaos,” Corvus said bluntly. “So did his legion. Father’s idea.”

 “A likely story!” Leman scoffed.

 “Well, I tried,” Corvus shrugged. Kitten sighed.

 “…Normally I’d mock the minimal effort but given how much you hate me that was actually a pretty full argument,” Magnus admitted.  

 “You’re welcome, former-traitorous scum,” Corvus said.

 “ **I LOVE HOW YOU ARE ALL STILL IGNORING ME** ,” the Emperor said.

 “Oh, yes, sorry my lord!” Kitten said. “Um, any ideas?”

 “ **LEMAN, WOULD IT KILL YOU TO LOOK UPWARDS OR SOMETHING**?” the Emperor asked as Leman continued a glaring match with Magnus.

 “Father?” Leman asked, shocked as he finally broken eye contact with his hated foe and least-favorite sibling.

 “ **FUCKING FINALLY. YOU KNOW MAYBE VULKAN’S NOT THE DUMBEST SON AFTER ALL. YOU’RE DOING A GREAT JOB AT BEATING HIM, AND HE DIES ALMOST DAILY DUE TO IDIOCY** ,” the Emperor said. “ **NOW, LIKE CORVUS SAID, I HAVE DRAGGED MAGNUS BACK FROM CHAOS, HE’S GOT HIS FUCKING SOUL, AND WE RESCUED MOST OF HIS FUCKING LEGION. WHY? BECAUSE I’M THE FUCKING EMPEROR AND I FUCKING FELT LIKE IT. ALSO SO HE COULD TOSS THE INQUSITION INTO THE WARP FOR ME, WHICH TOTALLY WORKED AND MY BONUS PLAN OF THAT SETTING YOU OFF AND GETTING YOU HERE WORKED TOO. I ROCK, WOOP WOOP**.”

 “You mean not only did you plan for me to send the Inquisition in the Warp, but you planned for them to find _and_ set off the Furry by mentioning I chucked them in there?” Magnus said, unable to hide his glee at the genius of it. “You know what? I’m too impressed to be mad. That _is_ brilliant!”

 “I mean there’s points where it could have gone wrong but…yeah. I agree. Brilliant, my lord,” Kitten said.

 “We should expect nothing less!” Karstodes said.

 “ **SHUT UP, KISSUP** ,” the Emperor told him.

 “Sorry, my glorious overlord,” Karstodes muttered sulkily as Whammudes and Custodisi snickered at him.

 “This is madness!” Leman said. “You are now attended by half-naked men-”

 “ **MORE THAN HALF NAKED AND REALLY NOT SOMETHING I LIKE**.”

 “-have accepted this vile sorcerer back without any punishment-”

 “ **I’D SAY KNOWING WHAT HE FUCKED UP AND BEING AROUND TZEENTCH FOR TEN THOUSAND YEARS IS PRETTY PUNISHING**.”

 “-suddenly allow an entire legion of sorcerers in direct violation of the Edict of Nikea-”

 “ **WE’VE ALREADY BITCHED ABOUT THAT ONE, YOU CAME IN LATE FOR IT**.”

 “-and just expect your _loyal_ sons to accept it?” Leman demanded.

 “…That’s pretty much how it went, yeah,” Corvus said. “Vulkan and Dorn were fine with it, but then they are Vulkan and Dorn.”

 “ **WELL, GEE, LEMAN, IF YOU WERE AROUND HERE INSTEAD OF FUCKING ABOUT IN THE WARP FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS ACCOMPISHING FUCK ALL IN THE GREATER SCHEME OF THINGS MAYBE YOU’D BE CAUGHT UP ON WHAT WAS GOING ON** ,” the Emperor said.

 Magnus snorted. Kitten elbowed him to remind him not to start anything.

 “…Corvus says… _this_ was your idea,” Leman said, gesturing at Magnus.

 “ **YEP. WORKED OUT GREAT**.”

 “And…Corvus is also returned.”

 “ **WITH VULCAN, YES. DORN’S AROUND TOO**.”

 Leman took a deep breath. “And you can speak with us once more.”

 “ **AND BROADCAST MY WISDOM TO THE IMPERIUM AT LARGE VIA PODCASTS**.”

 “You’re still doing podcasts?” Magnus asked.

 “Yeah. Still going through the chapters. Father called you and your sons a ‘bunch of volatile warp-manipulating weirdo-nerds,’” Corvus said.

 “We really are,” Magnus chuckled, smiling.

 “…You know, Corvus, you _used_ to be on my side concerning the Cyclops,” Leman grumbled.

 “Yeah. I still hate him, don’t get me wrong. But these days I hate just about everything…except sometimes Vulkan because it feels like hating happiness itself. Which I do hate, just not from Vulkan,” Corvus said. “Or Boy. It’s hard to hate Boy. He tries so hard, and Dorn asked me to look out for him so…yeah. And the Raven Guard. I suppose I don’t hate the Box, either…”

 “Wait…so you’re saying you…roughly hate the Furry Fuck the same as you hate me now?” Magnus asked slowly.

 “ **THAT IS AN INTERESTING CONCLUSION TO MAKE FROM THAT, MAGNUS** ,” the Emperor observed.

 “Well, yeah,” Corvus said, shrugging. “I mean, I was stuffed in the Box, Rogal was staying close in secret, and Vulkan took forever to come back from fighting the Beast. But you, Leman? You fucked off into the Warp to kill Magnus—something you seem to have _real_ issues with given how you fell for Fucking Horus’ trick about wrecking his whole planet—and not only did you not even fucking _find_ him for thousands of years, but you never came out to _help this Imperium_ _or our Father_.”

 “ **OH, SO THE SAME THING I AM MAD ABOUT. COOL** ,” the Emperor said.

 “You only even came here because you heard _Magnus_ was here!” Corvus growled, his voice growing louder and louder with every sentence. “And our Father, with all his mighty intellect, _knew_ that would be the best way to get you to get your ass out of the Warp! Not any number of Black Crusades, including the one we’re in the fucking middle of right now, not your own fucking planet getting wrecked for revenge— _oh yeah, your fucking planet got raided and we know all about the Wulfen now, and guess what, fucking **Magnus** did it and you didn’t even show up to stop his red fucking ass!_”

 “You. Did. What?” Leman snarled at Magnus.

 Magnus folded his arms and glared down at his brother, “Paid you back for Prospero. Happy ten-thousand-year _anniversary_.”

 “ **YOU TWO ARE SUCH FUCKING CHILDREN, I SWEAR** ,” the Emperor said.

 “Did you not just hear this foul wizard admit to attacking my homeworld?!” Leman demanded as Corvus inserted himself between his brothers with a sigh in an attempt to forestall any violence while Kitten scolded Magnus for gloating.

 “ **I DON’T KNOW. DID YOU NOT HEAR THE PART HOW YOU WERE FUCKING TRICKED INTO DESTROYING HIS**?” the Emperor asked. “ **THEREBY MAKING IT WAY TOO FUCKING EASY FOR FUCKING HORUS AND THROUGH HIM, TZEENTCH, TO GET THE THOUSAND SONS LEGION ON THE SIDE OF CHAOS? I WANTED YOU TO FUCKING DRAG MAGNUS TO ME FOR A TALKING TO, BUT YOU WERE SO GUNG-HO TO HURT HIM YOU RAZED A FUCKING PLANET. FOR FUCK’S SAKE, YOU TWO ARE MY TWIN CHAMPIONS OF SERIOUSLY FUCKING SHIT UP**.”

 “He destroyed the Imperial Webway!” Leman tried.

 “ **I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED I WAS BUILDING IT** ,” the Emperor said. “ **AND HE ALREADY KNOWS HE FUCKED THAT UP. I HAVE AND WILL CONTINUE TO SHOVE IT IN HIS FACE WHEN NESSESSARY. OR WHEN I FUCKING FEEL LIKE IT. BUT THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW, LEMAN. TELL YOUR BROTHER YOU’RE SORRY**.”

 “…What?” Kitten asked.

“But-but, he-!” Leman yelled, arms flailing before he huffed and slumped, muttering to himself.

 “This is still about Primarchs laying waste to each other’s homeworlds, right? I didn’t randomly wander into some serf child center, did I?” Karstodes asked, scratching his head.

 “I…think you haven’t?” Whammudes said, shrugging.

 “ **NO BUTS, LEMAN. TELL MAGNUS YOU ARE SORRY, YOUNG MAN**.”

 Leman scowled at Magnus, “Cyclops…I may have…jumped the gun. In that _singular_ instance. And been…rash. With poor results. _And_ I am genuinely sorry for the unnecessary scouring of your home world due to Horus’ deception and my own dislike of you. Less sorry for kicking you ass.”

 “ **LEMAN.** ”

 “Fine. _Sorry_ for that too.”

 Every word sounded as if he had to force it from his throat, the final apology practically spat upon the floor.

 “I don’t forgive you,” Magnus said coldly. “And I you say I have to, Father, we’re going to have _problems_.”

 “ **OH, FUCK NO. JUST LIKE HE WON’T HAVE TO FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO APOLOGIZE FOR ABOUT FENRIS** ,” the Emperor said.

 “I don’t wanna…fuck it,” Magnus huffed, knowing arguing was pointless here. “Furry, I…apologize for wrecking your planet and revealing your shameful secrets. Just because it was _retribution_ does not make it…right. I _suppose_.”

 “For which I shall _not_ forgive you,” Leman said.

 “ **GOOD. WE’RE ALL IN AGREEMENT. NEITHER OF YOU FORGIVES EACH OTHER AND YOU’LL ONLY HANG OUT AWKWARDLY AT FAMILY GATHERINGS. GREAT. NO MORE MURDER, BOYS. OF EACH OTHER. YOU CAN MURDER THE HELL OUT OF THAT BLACK CRUSADE PROBLEM WE HAVE, THAT’D BE COOL**.”

  “I still don’t forgive Leman either,” Corvus said. “Or Magnus. Or myself.”

 “ **WE’RE GONNA WORK ON THAT TOO, SON** ,” the Emperor said.

 “So, if this business with the sorcerer and the Inquisition was all a plan to get me here…can you explain that?” Leman asked, gesturing to the doorway.

 “…How the fuck did we all miss that?” Custodisi stage-whispered as everyone beheld a very Emperor-ish Fyodor sitting on a golden throne in the doorway.

 “Eh. Comedy reasons,” Fyodor said, making everyone but Leman and the Emperor jump.

 “ _Father_?” Corvus demanded, looking between the Emperor and what was clearly a Fyodor-shaped counterpart. A Fyoperor, perhaps.

 “…That’s why you went with the lie,” Magnus said. “Why you told him he was an aspect of you. So in Warp…he’d…you know, if you told me about _this stuff_ I totally wouldn’t have run off to do my own shit. I’d have been waiting here with popcorn!”

 “What?” Whammudes asked. “That wasn’t just trolling a normie?”

 “No, he was taking advantage of the ability of the Warp to bring thoughts to life! Amazing!” Magnus laughed, doubling over. “Good one!”

 “My lord…you intentionally made Krazmov think he was you so when he went to the Warp, part of your soul that was there could fuse with him?” Kitten asked.

 “ **THE PLAN WAS A LITTLE MORE VAUGE THAN THAT GIVEN MY SHATTERED MENTAL STATE, BUT GENERALLY YES** ,” the Emperor said.

 “I think it worked out quite well,” Fyoperor said.

 “ **THANK YOU, ME**.”

 “You’re welcome, me.”

 “Oh, this is going to get weird. Weirder than usual,” Kitten said, shifting uncomfortably.

 “So…are the two of you going to fuse or something?” Custodisi asked.

 “ **WE’RE WORKING ON IT** ,” the Emperor said.

 “This isn’t a simple matter,” Fyoperor agreed.

 “True; but getting you off the Golden Throne would utterly rebalance power in the entire galaxy, if not farther,” Magnus noted as he pulled himself together from his laughing fit.

 “The foul wizard is correct,” Leman said. “If this is a goal of yours, father, we must work towards it with all of our might!”

 “I think this is more an area for brains, not brawn,” Magnus said.

 “You would think so, you malevolent nerd,” Leman said.

 “…I’m going to put that one on a T-shirt,” Magnus decided. “Because it sounds badass and so I’m going to mock you for giving it to me.”

 “Do not repurpose my insults, crimson demon!” Leman shouted.

 “ _Half_ demon, wolf-fucker!” Magnus shouted back.

 “How _dare_ you-”

 “ **BREAK IT UP, BOYS** ,” the Emperor said. “ **IN FACT, TAKE A BREAK FROM EACH OTHER. COOL OFF. THEN COME BACK AND BEHOLD MY DOUBLE AWESOME**.”

 “I’m going to…go,” Magnus huffed, teleporting himself and Kitten out of the room.

 “Why does _Kitten_ get to go with him?” Chustodisi whined.

 “ **ME, IMPORTANT THING NUMBER ONE: KEEP THAT IDIOT AWAY FROM OUR RED KID**.”

.o.o.o.

 “Great job hanging on in there,” Kitten commented as they reappeared in Magnus’ room. “Erm. Now what?”

 “ _Now_ you hang onto that _soul leash_ very, _very_ tightly while I try not to _psychically nuke all of **Terra**!”_ Magnus shouted, blasting a chair to bits with a wild energy bolt.

 “Ah, here’s the blowup. Right,” Kitten sighed as Magnus turned into his true form and proceeded to rampage through his books while ranting about furries. “Oh, he’s going to be mad when he sees the mess he made of his stuff.”

 Judging that the room was relatively fortified against a grumpy demon prince, Kitten sat down to read until Magnus got it out of his system. Or tried to psychically nuke Terra. Whichever.

.o.o.o.

 “Oh dear. Magnymagic is rampaging,” Fyoperor said. Leman roared and tried to charge out of the room to hunt down Magnus, only for Corvus to sigh and knock him out with a neck chop. Leman was so focused on Magnus and the idea of killing him that he couldn’t dodge, and went down instantly.

 “ **HEY. ONLY I GET TO CALL HIM—OH. RIGHT. ME** ,” the Emperor said. “ **THAT WILL TAKE GETTING USED TO**.”

 “Hopefully not for too long. One would think between the two of us we’ll have a solution to our internment problem sooner rather than later,” Fyoperor said.

 “ **HMM. YES. IT WOULD BE NICE TO BE UP AND ABOUT AGAIN. HOW ARE YOU LIKING IT**?”

 “Due to the relative weakness of my host’s form I, erm, actually kind of can’t get up off _my_ throne too often either,” Fyoperor admitted. “Still. Can move my arms. And talk. That is nice.”

 “ **SWEET. CANNOT WAIT TO GIVE THAT A GO**.”

 “It’s pretty awesome,” Fyoperor said. “So…you figure out what’s up with those Ultramarines?”

 “ **OH, LET ME CATCH YOU UP, IT IS WILD**.”

.o.o.o.Two Days Later.o.o.o.

 “Urgh…I flipped again?” Magnus checked as he came to on the floor of his room.

 “Yep,” Kitten said.

 “And…appear to have destroyed roughly a third of my quarters.”

 “Don’t worry, I hid the irreplaceable books in the pyramid while you confused your reflection for something Space Corgi-related and punched a mirror while simultaneously psychically reinforcing it to not break,” Kitten said.

 “Thanks,” Magnus said. “So…you’ve mentioned me… _transforming_ …when I have these little blackouts.”

 “Yep.”

 “Into?”

 “A really tall, really angry you that for some reason doesn’t have a shirt or breastplate. Also, you somehow go from having one eye with two sockets to a more mythological cyclops look,” Kitten said, drawing a circle in the air over his forehead to indicate what he meant.

 “Ah. And you didn’t stop me this time because…?” Magnus asked.

 “I thought you needed to get it out of your system and if your father had any room in this palace demon and psyker proofed, it’s yours,” Kitten said, shrugging.

 “Logical,” Magnus said.

 “You’ve…honestly taken this better than I thought you might,” Kitten added.

 “What’s the _point_?” Magnus asked, flopping down on a beanbag. “All part of his stupid plan anyway, isn’t it?”

 “What?” Kitten asked.

 “Everything I have done since getting back, intentionally or no, has furthered Father’s plans. The Inquisition into the warp. Killing the High Lords. Going to Nocturne. Looking into getting him out of that chair, which I had barely even _started_ doing!” Magnus said.

 “Wait, what?” Kitten asked.

 “I was looking into a way to heal him which apparently isn’t even needed anymore!” Magnus said.  

“And that’s bad?” Kitten asked.

 “No, it’s good, it, it _needed_ doing, but that’s not the problem! I mean, I wanted the High Lords to do better, and they are! I wanted to get him off that chair and apparently he’s going to give that a go!” Magnus said.

“So…even though he’s not doing it your way this is still pretty much what you had planned?” Kitten asked.

 “That’s not the _point_ ,” Magnus said. “If Father knew of my plan before I even did anything other than _casually_ look into it, why not tell me not to bother?”

 “Because knowing you, you’d bother more after being told that,” Kitten said bluntly. “It’s kind of what you do.”

 “Not when people actually tell me _why_ , which is just about fucking never, by the way,” Magnus said. “Remember how I stopped being touchy about you holding my soul when you actually explained your reasoning? Fucking _novel_!”

 “Okay, yeah, seeing what you mean there. Still, the Emperor is not exactly known for…explaining himself,” Kitten said.

 “Exactly! Instead he just ‘lets’ me fuck off and do whatever because secretly my whatever won’t work the way I want and will only do what _he_ wants because, I don’t know, fourth dimensional warp fuckery for whatever!”

 “Erm…well you admitted that even if they didn’t work how you wanted, they still were okay in the end-”

 “So, since _everything_ I plan fails…where does that leave us?” Magnus asked.

 “…Well,” Kitten said after a long moment of awkward silence. “Firstly, again, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. And, and, secondly, I think if we’re going to be analyzing your plans, we need to compare them to the plan of other great planners. And, perhaps, note some similarities you appear to be missing.”

.o.o.o.

 “This is madness,” Leman muttered, nursing a mixer he’d created from some of the palace’s alcohol stores.

 Thus far, few had been willing to speak of Magnus, namely because few knew of his arrival as separate from that of Corvus, Dorn, and Vulcan. To hear some tell it, all four had just shown up one day.

 Clearly, he had more questioning to do.

.o.o.o.

 “You’re missing that most of your plans were, well, fairly simple. At least the ones involving me. Kill the Hight Lords that weren’t me. Get the power of the Engine of Woes. Look into that Proteus Protocol thing. They had only one step, and when that one step went wrong, that was the whole plan. Your father and that asshole Tzeetch, on the other hand have all these steps and backups and make things so complicated that even if several parts go wrong, statistically speaking a similar amount have to go right just because there’s so much random shit thrown in there.”

 “Did you just describe parts of my father’s plans as random shit?” Magnus asked with a weak chuckle.

 “I don’t care how popular the video is on GalacTube, that Ultramarines vs. Harlequins dance off was stupid. We only got information we already knew,” Kitten said. “Besides, you’re forgetting something kind of huge the Emperor f-f- _failed_ at.”

 “Stopping the Horus Heresy, I know that already,” Magnus said.

 “No. Creating an Empire that could in any way survive without him,” Kitten said. “Look, having him talking has been bringing back some memories from, well, the time before the insanity, and… _yeah_. There were way more warning signs than just Lorgar making cathedrals and you being way too into the Warp’s mysteries. The bureaucratic stuff. The _how do we run shit once crusading is over and we’re just dealing with Chaos incursions_ stuff.”

 “And…you’re not just saying this to make me feel better?” Magnus checked.

 “No! I’m saying this because it’s true and you’re my friend and…and I don’t like you being upset,” Kitten said.

 “…Thank you,” Magnus said.

 “I’m going to go…report. That you’re not wrecking the room anymore. Feel better,” Kitten said, heading out. He sighed when his only response was a noncommittal huff.  

.o.o.o.

 “I TAKE IT ALL IS WELL NOW?” the Emperor asked as Kitten approached the throne. It looked like they were setting up for a Vox-cast, with Corvus helping Boy set up the device.

 “Erm. No. No, all is…not well now,” Kitten said. “I am…actually rather disappointed in you, my lord.”

 Karstodes and Whammudes gasped dramatically.

 “…Huh,” Boy said. “Should I come back later?”

 Corvus grabbed Boy and vanished.

 “That was a yes,” Custodisi muttered.

 “ **WELL, WHAT THE FUCK IS UP THEN**?”

 “You’ve…kind of sent Magnus spiralling into a depression,” Kitten said. “Which is bad.”

 “Aw, he’s sad?” Custodisi asked.

 “ **AND FOR WHAT REASON IS HE ALLEGEDLY DEPRESSED**?”

 “You are my Emperor, and I do respect you, but Magnus is my friend and frankly I can see where he’s coming from,” Kitten said. “Did you ever think it _might_ be a bad idea to free him from Tzeentch’s strings only to _immediately_ entangle him in your own? And just expect him to go with it or get insulted?”

 “ **ARE YOU SUGGESTING I HAVE ERRED**?” the Emperor asked.

 “ _Yes_!” Kitten said.

 “Whoa,” Whammudes said.

 “I’m just going to…go,” Karstodes said, trying to leave.

 “Stay,” Fyoperor said. “I think this needs to be heard.”

 “… **YOU ARE UNUSUALLY PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS. I SHALL HEAR YOU OUT** ,” the Emperor decided, seemingly in concurrence with his other self.

 “Short version, we’ve gone from a Magnus willing to work with you while also trying to fix things his own way to a Magnus too depressed to do anything because does he even have free will?” Kitten summed up. “He’s making _Corvus_ sound positive.”

 “Yikes,” Whammudes said. “Corvus is like if one of the horrors under the palace fused with sad teenage poetry! Which, I mean, some folks find that type appealing, just not me.”

 “ **THANK GOODNESS. I ALREADY HAVE ONE OVER-EAGER IDIOT CRUSHING ON MY KIDS** ,” the Emperor said. “ **NOW. GOLDCAT, WE ARE GOING TO NEED FURTHER EXPLANATION**.”

 “Do we?” Fyoperor asked. “I think he’s made his point rather clear. Your instantaneous entangling of Magnus in your own strings after releasing him from Tzeentch’s was a bad idea which has affected not only our son’s confidence but his entire sense of free will.”

 “ **YOU JUST GOT BACK AND ARE ALREADY TELLING ME HOW TO DO SHIT? REALLY?”** the Emperor asked.

 “I’m not telling you _how_ to do anything, I’m just cautioning you that there can be consequences to some things you might not be considering when missing me from your being,” Fyoperor said. “That’s generally what our sense of empathy does.”

 “There’s gonna be so many warp storms,” Karstodes groaned.

.o.o.o.

 Leman stormed down the corridor. The palace’s mechanicus had been of little help, besides explaining how his father had come to be able to speak again. The High Lords were all too complementary about the cyclops because _allegedly_ Magnus and the Captain General had murdered Xenos that had trapped and impersonated them. And Decius had firmly sworn that he was “keeping an open mind” on the crimson sorcerer.

 His next plan was to coax one of the handful of Corvus’ sons manning the top communications to talk to him, since Corvus was needed by father—or perhaps not, as Corvus was now in front of him with a small, scared-looking child wearing an eyepatch and holding a Vox-caster.

 “I thought you were tending to important business in the throne room,” Leman said.

 “Goldie’s giving Father a talking to,” Corvus sighed, patting the boy on the head. “So, you’re dismissed kid.”

 “Who is this child?” Leman asked.

 “This is Boy. He’s Rogal’s…ward? Ward,” Corvus said. “I’m keeping an eye on him while Rogal is at the front.”

 “Dadorable said to listen to all his brothers unless they tell me to do something dangerous,” Boy said.

 “…Ah,” Leman said. “Well, if you are not…podcasting, then I suppose you should see to the communications. I will escort this young one to his quarters.”

 “Thank you!” Boy said cheerfully. “Dadorable likes you a lot. The Emperor showed you punching a Dark Eldar in half and he said he’d really missed you!”

 “How kind of Rogal,” Leman said as he and Boy set off and Corvus vanished once more. “…Have you spent much time with the Cyclops?”

 “What’s a cyclops?” Boy asked.

 “Someone with only…Magnus the Red,” Leman said, deciding to be blunt with the child. “I meant Magnus.”

 “Oh. Some, yeah. He has those big wings!” Boy said. “They’re not metal like Corvus’ wings though. Are they a mutation?”

 “Seemingly,” Leman said. “What does he do here?”

 “He argues with the Emperor sometimes. And, and tells the Thousand Sons to listen to the other Primarchs when they’re fighting the Black Crusade. And reads books all over the palace. Just reading. Oh! And he checks my homework for Dadorable while Dadorable is fighting the bad guys!” Boy said.

 “What of his…magic?” Leman tried.

 “He disappears like Corvus, that’s magic, right?” Boy asked. “Um. Um, and his eye glows. Sometimes. It looks neat.”

 “I see,” Leman said.

 “Why do you want to know, Mr. Russ?” Boy asked.

 “I…merely wished to know of his recent doings,” Leman said. “The last I saw, we were bitter enemies.”

 “Oh. Right. He used to be a bad guy,” Boy said. “Dadorable thinks he’s not going to do that anymore. Magnus says he messed up and doesn’t want to do it again, so Dadorable must be right!”

 “Oh,” Leman said as they reached a pocket of serf-quarters. He ducked under the main entrance so they could continue. “And…how long have you been working here?”

 “A long time. Well, it feels long. I guess to you and Dadorable long is…your long isn’t my long. You’re in thousands, right? I’m not twelve yet,” Boy said.

 “You have a great sense of understanding,” Leman said, getting a smile from the child. “But yes, to you months would indeed be longer than to us. What happened to your eye?”

 “The Black Templar guy broke a teacup and some of it got in there. He told me to hate it out, and it came out, but a lot of blood did too. Dadorable said if I need a new one he can ask, but I’m okay,” Boy said.

 “…As okay as you could be,” Leman said, deciding to have a talk with his father about subjecting young children to fanatics.

.o.o.o.

 “So, you see, I’m just not sure what to do now. He’s…well, depressed,” Kitten said.

 “And as you see it, it is our fault,” Fyoperor mused.

 “ **HUSH YOU, IT IS ME HE IS BLAMING. AND EVERYTHING WORKED OUT, SO I DON’T SEE WHY MAGNUS IS UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING**.”

 “I just explained why!” Kitten said.

 “And I totally get it,” Fyoperor agreed.

 “ **AND NOW YOU ARE PRETENDING TO BE BETTER THAN ME**.”

 “Just more empathetic, my other half,” Fyoperor assured him. “Fret not, Captain General, I shall have a word with Magnus. Perhaps he needs…a little less condescending and a little more empathy.”

 “ **OH, FUCK YOU, ME**.”

 “I love me too,” Fyoperor said before controlling his throne to head out.

 “…I’m…going to go work. This is all insane,” Kitten sighed, heading for the door himself while muttering under his breath.

 “ **WELL, WE MAY NOT BE PODCATSING BUT I STILL NEED ENTERTAINMENT. CUSTODISI, WHAMMUDES, TELL ME ABOUT HOW TERRA FARED DURING THE WAR OF THE BEAST** ,” the Emperor said.

 The two fab Custodes shared nervous looks. Whammudes cleared his throat. “Might I ask thy opinion on weaponized moons?”

.o.o.o.

 Magnus sighed, staring at the ceiling. He had no idea what to do anymore. If father could anticipate his every move, then could Tzeentch as well? Was he somehow accidentally working for both of them still?

 He scowled when his door banged open.

 “Oh, shit. Was trying to knock.”

 Magnus lifted his head enough to see Fyoperor maneuver his throne through the door.

 “Hello,” Fyoperor said, waving at Magnus.

 “Ah. The newer half. What is it?” Magnus asked.

 “Well, as the more mobile half, it is easier for me to check on you in person. Your friend the Captain General is worried,” Fyoperor said as his throne settled down next to Magnus’ beanbag. “Also, I’m more likely to figure out what is wrong without insulting you. You should like that.”

 Magnus huffed and rolled over in an attempt to ignore Fyoperor. Fyoperor rolled his eyes and decided to keep talking.

 “It’s a little strange, my existance. I could always perceive what was going on with the rest of me,” Fyoperor said. “But I never experienced it myself, per say. And while yes, I disagree with several decisions, that’s not why we’re here. We’re here because you seem to have come to the erroneous conclusion that you are nothing but a tool used by my other self.”

 “I have no evidence in the contrary,” Magnus said.

 “You also have very little evidence for it,” Fyoperor said. “…I don’t think he planned the High Lords thing. I don’t think he even knew. I mean, he relies on the Captain General for that kind of thing and if Kitten didn’t know…well. So that’s one out of the way.”

 “The Proteus Protocol. Did he know about _that_?” Magnus demanded.

 “…Well, I have a link to him and I don’t so I’m leaning on no. He knew you wanted his bony butt out of the throne, but that’s obvious just from interacting with you on a daily basis,” Fyoperor said. “And him, honestly. He doesn’t like being in that chair either.”

 “Who would?” Magnus asked. “But that doesn’t excuse using us.”

 “No, it doesn’t excuse using the sons he loves as pawns.”

 “ _Loves_ ,” Magnus scoffed. Fyoperor shook his head at him.

 “He discarded compassion, empathy, self- doubt, and other assumed weaknesses. He did not consider the ability to care for his sons a weakness,” Fyoperor said. “Oh, he’s _bad_ at it, especially without being whole, I seriously would love the ability to stay separate enough to see how he reacts once I get back in that head of his, but he _did_ and _does_ care for all of you.”

 “You know, when I first got back I believed that,” Magnus said. “But over time…it was the same shit as before. Constantly. I really get the feeling he hates me.”

 “He doesn’t. Yes, there are thing about you that annoy him, but that’s human. That’s normal,” Fyoperor said. “There’s things about you he likes, too.”

 “Bullshit,” Magnus said.

 “Your curiosity, for one thing-” Fyoperor began.

 “Pull the other one,” Magnus huffed. “Father hates how curious I get.”

 “And admires. It can be a flaw and a virtue at the same time,” Fyoperor explained. “Think about it, even with all you know, all you’ve learned, you still want to learn more and are willing to learn that you were _wrong_ if it leads to greater knowledge and information. You have a zeal for learning he lost long ago, the _joy_ of discovery and seeking understanding. Even more, you maintained that part of yourself even after falling to chaos. Even trapped in Tzeentch’s web, you maintained that curiosity and love of learning that ironically made you both one of the most dangerous and most inactive demon princes.”

 “…You’re referring to my figuring out how to destroy Midgardia, and are doing so _positively_ ,” Magnus said, looking disturbed.

 “Well, not just that, but…I…suppose…look, it’s not a _perfect_ commentary,” Fyoperor said. “I’m saying you have a driving force behind your nature and it’s sad to see you give up on it.”

 “There’s no point with Father. He’s never going to tell me until things are in the middle of happening,” Magnus said. “And I don’t care if you’re allegedly his compassion incarnate, I don’t think you two getting back together will change the fact that he’s ruthlessly enigmatic.”

 “It may not,” Fyoperor agreed.

 “…Then why bother?” Magnus asked, turning in confusion as Fyoperor got his throne up to leave.

 “Because you’re you, Magnus. You’re upset right now, but if I know you even a third as well as my other self does, you won’t let that stop you for long. Also, you have another visitor,” Fyoperor said. “Play nice.”

 “Play nice? _You_ ,” Magnus growled upon seeing Leman at his door. “what do you want?”

 “…I was sincere,” Leman said.

 “What?” Magnus asked.

 “When I apologized for Prospero. I was sincere. My rashness was inexcusable,” Leman said.

 “We could say the same about my psychically forcing my way to Terra,” Magnus said. “Was a lot of that going around. Rashness.”

 “You… _did_ try to warn father,” Leman admitted. “Badly, but you tried.”

 “And he didn’t fucking believe me, so I broke the Human Webway for nothing.”

 Leman nodded, “True. It felt like everyone’s allegiances were up in the air, and Horus…well. He _was_ the first son.”

 “It’s Fucking Horus now. Get used to it, Father’s quite insistent,” Magnus said.

 “Well. Fucking Horus. Heh. I like that. Anyway, Father didn’t listen to you about him, and then I _did_ listen to him about you.” Leman sighed, raking his fingers through his beard. “Meanwhile, you expected punishment and deactivated the defenses. Had I _just_ hesitated and tried to take you in…”

 “I’d have let you,” Magnus agreed.

 “And then _I’d_ realize why Fucking Horus changed the orders!” Leman said.

 “We both fucked up. Yay,” Magnus said as they silently mourned what could have been.

 “And now we both atone,” Leman said.

 “…How are you enjoying the corgis?” Magnus asked, smirking.

 “They are hardy despite their size. They shall make excellent companions to the wolves,” Leman said.

 “Oh, _fuck you_ Leman, of course you’re somehow fine with it!” Magnus complained.

 “It hasn’t been a thousand years for you alone,” Leman said. “We’ve all changed.”

 “Yes. Everyone but Vulkan has for some reason grown beards,” Magnus said.

 “Jealous?” Leman asked.

 “Fuck no. Vulkan and I had the best chins anyway.”

 “You simply could never pull one off,” Leman scoffed. “…I have been asking about you. You seem to have been…genuine, in your wish to better things.”

 “I was. And am. I’m just…tired,” Magnus said.

 “From doing more in a year or so than you did in ten thousand?” Leman asked.

 “Excuse me?” Magnus demanded.

 “Well, I am surprised to find…so few historical attacks by you and our other fallen brothers upon my return,” Leman admitted. “Even Angron has only resurfaced in the materium…two, three times?”

 “Many of us were…discontented, with what we got,” Magnus said. “Or at least Mortarian and I were both kind of too annoyed and busy with personal issues. Petuerabo got his revenge with the Iron Cage…okay, yeah, no idea why Lorgar’s not out spreading Chaos but as I’ve told Father it’s rare to hear _anything_ about him, he doesn’t get out much.”

 “None of you got out much,” Leman mused. “Strange. With the Imperium so weakened, would it not make sense to press with the strongest champions chaos has? Yet none of you joined a single Black Crusade, to my knowledge…”

 “Odd indeed,” Magnus admitted. “Do you have further opinions on this?”

 “Only that it stuck me as strange,” Leman admitted. “Of course, Khorne and Nurgle are likely happy to draw things out but Tzeentch…well, you know him better than I, but I cannot see how someone so allegedly clever could not exploit the Imperium’s weaknesses to a greater extent.”

 “He…could,” Magnus mused. “But doesn’t.”

 Something clicked in Magnus’ head.

 “He _doesn’t_!” Magnus said, suddenly grabbing Leman and hugging him. “ _That’s it_! I have to find Kitten!”

 “…Who?” Leman asked in confusion as Magnus vanished. “ _What?_ ”

.o.o.o.

 “Companion!” Magnus yelled, bursting into Kitten’s office. “I have wonderous news!”

 “You just broke the hinges. Did…did you teleport outside the door just to make a dramatic entrance?” Kitten demanded, coming around his desk. “ _You did_. Well, guess you’re back to normal?”

 “Better!” Magnus said, grabbing Kitten by the shoulders and dragging him close with a manic grin.

 “Please tell me it’s not because you got high huffing ancient tomes,” Kitten said.

“NO! Because I realized something—Tzeentch _doesn’t want to win_ ,” Magnus said. “If he wins, then what? No more plans. No more manipulations. Not until he finds someone else to compete with. Change for its own sake is…well, it’s almost pointless. _He’s_ pointless!”

 “Ouch. He would not like hearing that,” Kitten said.

 “But it means I don’t need to have him hanging over me!” Magnus said, finally putting Kitten down. “Don’t need to worry I’m…some secret unknowing agent of his master plan. He _has_ no master plan, just a bunch of ideas and a love of pushing people into fucking up.”

 “So…how do you know you’re not helping with that?” Kitten asked hesitantly.

 “Because this time, if I make a mistake, I’m going to fucking fix it,” Magnus said, clenching his fists and flexing his wings. “No more blaming anyone else. I fuck up, I _deal with it_.”

 “So…the other emperor essentially got you to accept With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility?” Kitten asked.

 “Wait, how do you— _how_ have those comics and other media not been censored by the inquisition, Spider-Man is clearly a mutant!” Magnus said.

 “They can’t censor what’s in the Black Library,” Kitten said. “Also, the Emperor really liked them in the pre-Crusade days.”

 “Ooh, do they have the Nocturne animation, that one was really—no, no, focus,” Magnus said. “The only way Tzeentch can profit from my mistakes is if I allow him to. And I won’t. Not anymore.”

 “Good,” Kitten said.

 “Good?” Magnus asked. “Not going to call me out for getting cocky?”

 “Actually, I was getting worried your depression and lack of self-esteem were a plan of Tzeentch’s to stop you from aiding the Imperium to your fullest potential by forcing you to hold yourself back in self-doubt,” Kitten admitted. “Like, maybe that was why he was infantilizing you during the card game and shit.”

 “Shit, that would be smart. Good call,” Magnus said.

 “Thanks,” Kitten said. “…Good to have you back, Magnus.”

 “Good to be back…and free,” Magnus said. “…Also I just realized I hugged Russ, so I’m going to go shower for the rest of the day to get that off of me. We shall reconvene later!”

 “Fix my door first!” Kitten demanded. Magnus sighed and magically put the door and hinges right. “Thank you. Shower away.”

 “Shower?” Custodisi asked, poking his head in the door as Magnus teleported out. Kitten leveled his sidearm at his subordinate’s face. “Never mind!”

 “The Emperor’s right, we have _got_ to keep him away from Magnus,” Kitten muttered as he got back to work.

 

**Author's Note:**

> We have Leman! And Fyoperor!
> 
> Originally Leman and Magnus were going to have a big fight, but the Emperor attempting to parent them into forced apologies fit better. Especially since canonically they both were really upset during Prospero at the thought of killing each other. Magnus hates Leman, but Leman is still his brother. 
> 
> On the other hand, the Emperor's manipulations finally got to Magnus. Some of that was inspired by the end of episode 27 where Magnus was forced to recount his failures, but really, failing so much has got to hurt the guy and being tangled in two webs in such a short time cannot be good for him. Thankfully, Kitten and Fyoperor were there for him and thanks to Boy, Leman was willing to chat civilly with Magnus and give him an epiphany. Corvus' monologue just came the fuck out of nowhere, he took over for that. Blame him. 
> 
> I love Boy. He shall feature as much as I am able to have him. On the other hand, Custodisi is facing more and more severe curtailment against his Magnus-harassment. Kitten has been informed, and is taking measures. Very shooty measures.
> 
> Also, the Emperor and Fyoperor don't...agree on everything. Which could make fusing tricky. After all, it's hard for a guy who once chucked his empathy off into the ether to just get used to it being back. And arguing with him.


End file.
